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Musings - March 1st, 2006
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02:31 am
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Of Heroes, heroism, aging and AKN
I spoke to AKN today to, as I put it, express not just my anguish but also my anger at his decision to resign as professor of the Aerospace Dept. Some of the words that we exchanged will remain with me for ever, bewildering me about what substance there is to heroes and meaning if any to heroism.
Ever since I entered the department, I had heard of him. Professor Narayan Ananthkrishnan - "god prof", damn intelligent, prolific researcher, aero fanatic, IITB alumnus, winner of best teacher award, Caltech Visiting faculty...All the best students work under him, he gets the best out of all students, he is great person too, he takes his students home for lunch, his student got into Stanfy and so on and on.. Stories were rife about this phenomenon that was AKN. To me he became almost symbolic of IIT Bombay and Aerospace Dept. Even before I met him, AKN was everything I would admire in a person- ingenuity, vigour, attitude, motivation and a gem of a heart.
It is a sad day today that I told him "Sir, I thought you were stronger than this". He hardly spoke, just smiled, giggled.. laughed things off... yet it was a walk to remember ... or to forget...
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Sir, do you realize the kind of position that you are in in the eyes of the students, particularly UGs? ... I dont think you quite realize it. Do you know what AKN means to all the UGs? You are a HERO... There are people who model themselves on you... For anyone who enters the dept with enthu to do aero, you are the ultimate role model... I dont really know if continuing in IIT would be doing justice to you, thats something I would not like to try to fathom. All I am doing is making this utterly selfish demand as someone who has worked with and taken courses under you- 'Please dont go! We want you!'
AKN: :) I appreciate that... I am not the only one who is like that... there is Bhat, Krishnendu, Prabhu Ramchandran... they are all IIT Btechs...I will leave, someone else will join.. thats how life goes on...
Yeah but you are different. You have a different personality, a different attitude, different brain... which is why I said you are a hero... we dont want you to go Sir!
But things arent all in my hands... things in life are not all black and white... life has shades of grey... and there are grey people.
Some people make mistakes and then they dont admit their mistakes, some admit mistakes, but by then the damage is already done. There are people above me, people with power ... when powerful people talk, smaller people have got to listen.
There are so many alumni I spoke to... Raghu, Vikas.. they are all pained by this... no one wants you to go!
Well I appreciate that... but..
Ok.. how much of this planned? was it on your mind all the time?
Umm.. you cant say, and cant pinpoint... its a combination of various things...
Are you sick of IIT ?
Its several things... sometimes things become a bit too much... there comes times when you got to put your foot down and take decisions. When its something's gotta be done, its gotta be done.
Yeah and thats what heroes are made of right? They stick to what believe in, they walk the hard path, they do what love and they do what they believe in... you didnt come here money, did you? You could have been in GE...15lakhs an annum to your name... Or you could have been in BCG...
Umm... there are several things,.. Its not possible to pin point at something and say this is the problem. Some people misunderstand you.. they do something stupid, and some ppl make mistakes and dont accept they have made them..
But you came here for kicks right? you like it here right? Why are you not at Caltech for instance? Why not at GE?
People grow older ... lives change... circumstances change... you gotta decide if you want to continue with things as they... do you want more time at home or want less time at home and make a lot of money...Things change Ankur..
But heroes dont, right? They suffer blows, take insults every now and then... make sacrifices, stick it out,... fight lost battles, simply because they do are doing what they believe in..
People get old Ankur.. I have grown older...I dont see the point any more in fighting battles at the end of which I am going to end up dead... rather do something easier...
There are people in H4 who talk of 'this is where he lived'...
AKN: :) hmm... Hostel 4... the food used to be really bad sometimes.. The food is bad at IIT isnt it?
The other day we had Prof Shende's farewell... and I thought how beautiful it would be if 24 years hence you walk out like that to a standing ovation..
Umm.. well... its better to leave when ppl want you than to leave when no one wants you... like Ganguly :) There are times when even children tell their parents, I dont want you around... go do something useful...
Yeah but why is the time NOW?
Some things happen... they make you sit back and think why am I doing all this? Can I think differently and do things differently?
I thought this would lead you more towards IIT, not away from it...
Sometimes big people, in big powerful positions have difficulty in admiting they are wrong... In the meanwhile all the small people have to be quiet...
It would be sad if all this personality wrestling is leading you to do this... I have always thought that IIT is unfair to its profs.. But I thought you were stronger than this...
People grow old.. when you grow old you get philosophical... things dont seem the same anymore...there doesnt seem to be any point in continuing with battles that are useless...
... And he went on and on with his meek diplomatic talk. The hero of this department, is sick and tired of being a hero. A tired spirit? a fall guy?Or may be a fallen hero? He wants to do something "easier" in life. It disappoints me no end that AKN of all people should choose so to say this. The aero is going out of this department. The day is sad.
Who makes heroes, heroes? Is it the public? Is it themselves? Or is it solely their actions? I have started to think if it is the latter. Actions change and heroes are no more heroes... An ordinary man in all selfishness does something heroic, and he becomes a hero. A hero in all selfishness does something less heroic, he is now ordinary. We live in the world of pretense and impressions. As AKN said, in a world of grey, with grey people. There are no true heroes and no true heroism. All there is, are people and their actions - sometimes foolish, sometimes selfish, sometimes prudent and sometimes "heroic".
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